happy days

i just woke up and it's close to 2 p.m.  i'd be getting off work around now usually.  so i'm really HAPPY right now  :D  stayed up until almost 7 a.m. playing my xbox.  that was ridiculous but fun.  and today i'm gonna run around with my momsies and do some after xmas shopping that needs to get handled.  less than two weeks.  and i'm gone  :D

ugh... dude!!

i wanna scream!!!!!  scream like a fucking mad man, and punch things and kick them and just totally destroy everything beautiful around me because at this moment, i feel like nothing around me deserves to be beautiful, or special or sacred or innocent or anything.  i hate these holidays, i hate being so scared about moving, i hate how i feel about......   her, and i hate how everyone around me just wont leave me alone when i'm upset.  WHY THE FUCK HAVE YOU NOT FIGURED THIS OUT BY NOW?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?  FUCK OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it's not easy being this bitter, i promise

i really hate seeing some people happy when i'm so sad.  and i don't wish ill upon them or anything, i'm just sick of seeing them so happy with what's going on and i'm sitting here feeling lonely, sad and kinda depressed about my plight.  like the title says, it's not this easy being bitter... lol  when they say life isn't fair, they're not joking.  that's all

you should really watch this

this confirms it for me, like i've been saying for years...  enjoy the rest of your existence you maggots

the best and sometimes worst thing about living

we've all had a crush on someone at some point.  

we've all seen a boy or a girl that as soon as you see them for the first time you're just shocked.  frozen, can't move, can't even think any other thought than that one single first thought:  i really wanna kiss and hold that person eventually.  

at least that's the intense kinda crush.  

there's the kind were you see them and think they're one of the most beautiful people you've ever seen and you get to know them and they're one of the best people you've ever met and you want to spend every spare second you have learning more and more about them.  and then you eventually get to spend a little time here and there.  and it just gets worse and worse as time goes on...  the more you come to know this person the more you want more, and you haven't even kissed them yet.  

but lets say there's no way anything can happen.  for any reason, pick any one of them you can think of.  anyways, knowing this you continue on, learning more, liking more, wanting more...  

ever have it were the person has a smile so unbelievable and perfect that when you hear someone else making them laugh it makes you stupid jealous because you want to be the one making them laugh so you can see them laugh and smile?  

oh, and it really helps when they have a laugh that makes you never want to stop being funny, i promise.  

it's truly horrible when you have choices in life that have great benefits, however much a gamble the outcome could be, but you can only choose one.  with a consequence following making the said choice, of course.  i've made my choice already, and it truthfully kind of hurts in a way.  not like a dying pain, more just like a kind of disappointment.  i guess, i don't know how to explain it.  it's never easy to.  

and some might say that i'm kinda acting crazy and weird.  they're probably right, but i'll say this:  

it's not easy when you've stayed single on purpose for a long time and you meet someone who makes you possibly not want to be single anymore right before you're moving 20 hours away.  

when things become official, that's when it gets scary

so things are official and confirmed.  january 7th, me and alan "igor" etoll leave for fort lauderdale florida...  it's unbelievably real now.  and it's starting to make me feel the way i was afraid i'd feel eventually.  sad...  sad yet still excited and so more than ready.  like i've said before so many times, i've been waiting for this opportunity to come along and now that it's finally here, i'm taking it will both hands and i'm swinging around and smiling, overjoyed at the reality of it all.  

but then again...  there's the fact that there are so many people that i'm going to miss.  i keep going over in my head what my last night here will be like...  i've been here before, and while it's like a scene out of a good movie (i like things like that for some stupid reason...) it's so heartbreaking already that i'm not going to see these people for a very long time.  and even some people, who knows if i'll ever see them again?  acquaintances, recent friendships and relationship i've made, old bandmates, and of course, my family.  as ready as i am to move away from my mother, father, brother, and my dear sister, i'm going to miss them so much...  all of them have been there for me these last 4 years more than anyone has and in more ways than i realized at the time.  i could not have asked for better people to be this close to me and be my family...

ah....  well i think i've been an emotional bitch enough for this week.  later, ya'll.

i'm wishing... i'm wondering... i'm poetry

i'm sitting wishing to be inspired...  wishing i could be creative with something at the moment.  maybe it's the feeling of being cooped up in my house against my will but who knows.  alls i knows is that i want to do something with myself at this very moment and nothing seems stimulating enough at the moment.  listening to all this great music and looking at some great art and nothing is making me feel like i could really do something artist and inspired...  :-P  ugh ugh ugh...  no car is a horrible way to live for sure...  i wanna play a metal show.........  i wanna get up onstage and totally rage out on the guitar while watching the kids beat the ever-loving piss outta each other.  just sounds like more fun than i could imagine right now.  maybe the old heavy after trust tunes for 45 min.  that would be exhilarating right now...  do a few guitar spins, a couple rock kicks and scream in peoples faces...  fun times...  ugh, i need something right at this moment!!!!  blah blah blah blah!!...!!!.......!!!!!.....!  ok, i'm done bitching.  oh, and btw, crushes are bullshit when it's a means to an end...

-justin