I wanted to sit here and just type.  About myself, about my family and friends, about my health, about me.  And what a problem I fell I am.  It's all just self image issues I've always had.  I feel like that no matter what people say, I'm more of a burden and an annoyance to the people around me than the opposite.  Funny side note, I haven't typed this much at once in a long time and I'm backspacing a lot.  The cancer probably started as early as 2014 but the way I described it to everyone made it seem like I haven't been dealing with it as long.  I just never cared.  Whatever was wrong would kill me eventually.  And though I have no strong will to die or anything, I just wish sometimes my existence would end.  I'm so tired of being tired.  People say that I just have to keep doing things and my energy will come back, up your meds and you'll feel better, etc...  I don't even have the energy to start building energy.  Everything I do feels like it takes all the effort I have.  Sometimes people are sympathetic and understanding but when I gets in the way of what they want suddenly I'm made to feel like I'm not doing enough or trying hard enough or just plain worthless.  Over time this feeling starts to wear on your initiative and gumption.  You just start feeling like "what's the point?" and then the slope gets even steeper.  I don't know what I'm trying to accomplish here.  I just need to look at my thoughts in front of me.  I have a lot to be thankful for.  And I am every day, really.

...

my breath is chilled,
i lay wrapped in my thoughts of this,
they're scattered but there,
like a cold i haven't yet caught.
i wish i knew your name,
i wish you knew mine,
i wish you could hear my voice,
but i'm mute when i speak only to you.
dreams, nightmares, more wishes,
things i can't escape,
yet i can't hold onto long enough,
long enough to create a memory.
can you hear me?
will you hear me?
i'm told i'm not alone,
but they don't know.
what's more tangible than sadness?
it permeates the air, the atmosphere,
unavoidable, always present,
never relenting, never dissipating...

man...

it's been a while since i've blogged... i've been busy and feeling uninspired... but within the last week or so i've started feeling really weird. can't explain it, go figure. trying to find new work, trying to actually make some money, trying to get this band going so we can finally play a damn show... and plus, i met a girl that i kinda like so yeah, there's another thing... hahaha... i don't even really know what the point of this blog is, honestly. i really don't have anything to say. or rather i kinda don't wanna say anything... eh... fuck it. i'll see you all in another 2 months.

-justin

i'm sick of it

i'm so sick of being nice open and honest to people and getting no response to it. it makes me feel like all the correct upbringing and gritting my teeth when people are shitty and i'm still nice all for naught. it fucking pisses me off to no end and the only people that suffer for it are the people that actually listen to me and deal with my endless bitching and bad moods. i know, you're thinking well just shut up then and don't put them through it. well, this is my only other place of venting so here it is, fuckers. i'm sick of this world, and i'm sick of all the stupid shitty people in it. why the fuck am i such a nice person when i get shit upon at every turn???????? ugh... i'm just so frustrated with everything today. everything today has turned to shit when i touch it and i just want to goto sleep and wake up again tomorrow with a fresh start...

those of you who know me know i don't believe in anything that can't be controlled by anything but your own hand and mind. but please, pray, hope, cross your fingers, do whatever it is you do and hope for a change for me because i would rather die than go home and i don't wanna die just yet.

don't get freaked out, i'm just really frustrated and upset at this moment so i'm rambling...

when life begins

it begins when you really realize that you're really on your own. and i've felt like i was on my own before. but not like this. not even close. things are real now, more-so than ever before. and that all sounds skeptical and somewhat negative but i promise you i've never been happier and never had such a positive outlook on my future.

i'm living in paradise. there's a beach less than two blocks away from my apartment, there's palm trees everywhere i look, everyone i've seen (not met, even just seen) is very friendly, it hasn't dropped below 68 degrees and i have the chance to make money doing nothing but playing music. wow... i mean, i've been waiting for a chance to leave mi/oh for i don't know how long, and i end up in florida? hell yeah. ok, g'night :)

-justin