i figured out that:

the worst feeling in the world is watching someone you love be happy, but they're not happy with you, despite all the odds... ok, back to being sick.

i knew this would happen

yeah, i kinda had a feeling this would happen...  i'm scared about leaving, but it's not overwhelming me or anything, it's just making me feel skeptical and worried.  it's natural, so i'm not bothered by it.  i just know that within the next couple days i'm gonna have that moment where i'm gonna say "what the fuck am i doing???  do i really want to do this???  what the hell, this is crazy!!!".  and like i did before, i'll get over it.  last time i had a girl and it made leaving SO so so hard...  (and funny enough, she's making it kinda hard for me again).  but things are different this time.  as i've said before, i want nothing else at this point but to just start my life over.  fresh start.  if you want to start it with me, then tell me.  you won't read this, but i'm telling you right now, if you want to start over with me, tell me.  it can happen if you want.  i'd try to make it happen, i promise.

anyways...  man...  i'm gonna miss so much of you...  all of you.  i could leave that statement as is and everyone would know exactly who i was talking about and what it would mean to each person.  the inflections would ring true in there ears and their hearts would swell at the thought of just how much i mean it when i say it.  because nothing more true has left my lips or fingertips as of late.  .........  i honestly feel like i'm leaving everything behind so selfishly.  and then i start thinking, "you're not that special dude, life'll go on for everyone without you".  and i know it will but i'd like to think that i had a bigger impact on people than just being there.  i'm just being shitty...  i'll be fine.  i'm just gonna miss you people so much...

happy days

i just woke up and it's close to 2 p.m.  i'd be getting off work around now usually.  so i'm really HAPPY right now  :D  stayed up until almost 7 a.m. playing my xbox.  that was ridiculous but fun.  and today i'm gonna run around with my momsies and do some after xmas shopping that needs to get handled.  less than two weeks.  and i'm gone  :D

ugh... dude!!

i wanna scream!!!!!  scream like a fucking mad man, and punch things and kick them and just totally destroy everything beautiful around me because at this moment, i feel like nothing around me deserves to be beautiful, or special or sacred or innocent or anything.  i hate these holidays, i hate being so scared about moving, i hate how i feel about......   her, and i hate how everyone around me just wont leave me alone when i'm upset.  WHY THE FUCK HAVE YOU NOT FIGURED THIS OUT BY NOW?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?  FUCK OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it's not easy being this bitter, i promise

i really hate seeing some people happy when i'm so sad.  and i don't wish ill upon them or anything, i'm just sick of seeing them so happy with what's going on and i'm sitting here feeling lonely, sad and kinda depressed about my plight.  like the title says, it's not this easy being bitter... lol  when they say life isn't fair, they're not joking.  that's all