alright, that's it!!!

ok, so i got this damn blog thing to be able to sit here and type out whatever was on my mind or whatever was bothering me.  i've been listening to cauterize's first cd all day and it's making me miss better times...  better in that it was all new yet familiar to me when it was happening.  new and old friends, new love, new heartbreak, growing up way quicker than i ever imagined, making the best and worst decisions of my life...  ugh... i dunno, dude.  everything that's been happening lately feels like that again, and it's scary to me a bit.  moving to florida, changing my entire life around, feeling like there should be something pulling me back and keeping me here but there isn't anything so now i feel like i have no choice but to move.  i want to go, ultimately i want to go and start living a new life really bad.  but the stupid part of me kinda half assed wishes something would happen to keep me here because i'm so comfortable and know everything around me...  ugh... :P  fuck life...  fuck making decisions and living day to day...  i feel like i never do anything i want, ever.  never have time to do the fun things i always wanna do.  that's what florida is for really, but still.  if it could happen here, why wouldn't it???

oh, and get this shit.  so i moved to st. paul MN last year and i was dating a girl when i left and i came back because of her...  blah blah blah, you know how the story goes if you know me personally...  same girl is begging me to stay here, even though i never see her, barely talk to her...  any normal person would say "forget it then" but she's the only person that's really said to me "don't go, i'll miss you too much".  everyone else around me has basically said "see ya, keep in touch" and that's about it.  it's really starting to get to me, really starting to hurt.  it seems as if everyone around me is just waiting for me to leave their lives y'know?  and that's kind of a horrible feeling.  i'm sure it's not true, but that's the only vibe i'm getting so it's really the only thing i can think.  oh, and on top of all that, less than two months before i'm supposed to leave, i develop a crush on someone...  lol  now THAT'S hilarious.  

when i move down to florida, it turns out that i'm going to have to be sharing a room with my dude when i'm there.  now, i have no negative feelings towards anyone that i'm gonna be living with, but i'm 25 fucking years old, i don't want to fucking share a fucking room with another fucking dude.  that's fucking bullshit.  i'm gonna be paying 250 in rent alone to have 0 privacy at all times.  fucking awesome.  it's making me hate the idea of moving now, to be honest.  god, i don't know....  i really don't know....  i'm sick of the answers never being easy enough, ever.  it's not like it happens every once in a great while but this shit has been happening to me since 2003 and it's REALLY fucking time to have something change or i'm giving up.  on life, on everyone around me, on love, on music, on EVERYTHING...  

ugh...  technology will finally hit it's pinnacle when everyone i want to read this blog, can just be standing in front of me whenever i want them to and i can just scream all this at them to my hearts desire.  fuck...  someone save me.

-justin