...

my breath is chilled,
i lay wrapped in my thoughts of this,
they're scattered but there,
like a cold i haven't yet caught.
i wish i knew your name,
i wish you knew mine,
i wish you could hear my voice,
but i'm mute when i speak only to you.
dreams, nightmares, more wishes,
things i can't escape,
yet i can't hold onto long enough,
long enough to create a memory.
can you hear me?
will you hear me?
i'm told i'm not alone,
but they don't know.
what's more tangible than sadness?
it permeates the air, the atmosphere,
unavoidable, always present,
never relenting, never dissipating...

man...

it's been a while since i've blogged... i've been busy and feeling uninspired... but within the last week or so i've started feeling really weird. can't explain it, go figure. trying to find new work, trying to actually make some money, trying to get this band going so we can finally play a damn show... and plus, i met a girl that i kinda like so yeah, there's another thing... hahaha... i don't even really know what the point of this blog is, honestly. i really don't have anything to say. or rather i kinda don't wanna say anything... eh... fuck it. i'll see you all in another 2 months.

-justin

i'm sick of it

i'm so sick of being nice open and honest to people and getting no response to it. it makes me feel like all the correct upbringing and gritting my teeth when people are shitty and i'm still nice all for naught. it fucking pisses me off to no end and the only people that suffer for it are the people that actually listen to me and deal with my endless bitching and bad moods. i know, you're thinking well just shut up then and don't put them through it. well, this is my only other place of venting so here it is, fuckers. i'm sick of this world, and i'm sick of all the stupid shitty people in it. why the fuck am i such a nice person when i get shit upon at every turn???????? ugh... i'm just so frustrated with everything today. everything today has turned to shit when i touch it and i just want to goto sleep and wake up again tomorrow with a fresh start...

those of you who know me know i don't believe in anything that can't be controlled by anything but your own hand and mind. but please, pray, hope, cross your fingers, do whatever it is you do and hope for a change for me because i would rather die than go home and i don't wanna die just yet.

don't get freaked out, i'm just really frustrated and upset at this moment so i'm rambling...

when life begins

it begins when you really realize that you're really on your own. and i've felt like i was on my own before. but not like this. not even close. things are real now, more-so than ever before. and that all sounds skeptical and somewhat negative but i promise you i've never been happier and never had such a positive outlook on my future.

i'm living in paradise. there's a beach less than two blocks away from my apartment, there's palm trees everywhere i look, everyone i've seen (not met, even just seen) is very friendly, it hasn't dropped below 68 degrees and i have the chance to make money doing nothing but playing music. wow... i mean, i've been waiting for a chance to leave mi/oh for i don't know how long, and i end up in florida? hell yeah. ok, g'night :)

-justin

i figured out that:

the worst feeling in the world is watching someone you love be happy, but they're not happy with you, despite all the odds... ok, back to being sick.

i knew this would happen

yeah, i kinda had a feeling this would happen...  i'm scared about leaving, but it's not overwhelming me or anything, it's just making me feel skeptical and worried.  it's natural, so i'm not bothered by it.  i just know that within the next couple days i'm gonna have that moment where i'm gonna say "what the fuck am i doing???  do i really want to do this???  what the hell, this is crazy!!!".  and like i did before, i'll get over it.  last time i had a girl and it made leaving SO so so hard...  (and funny enough, she's making it kinda hard for me again).  but things are different this time.  as i've said before, i want nothing else at this point but to just start my life over.  fresh start.  if you want to start it with me, then tell me.  you won't read this, but i'm telling you right now, if you want to start over with me, tell me.  it can happen if you want.  i'd try to make it happen, i promise.

anyways...  man...  i'm gonna miss so much of you...  all of you.  i could leave that statement as is and everyone would know exactly who i was talking about and what it would mean to each person.  the inflections would ring true in there ears and their hearts would swell at the thought of just how much i mean it when i say it.  because nothing more true has left my lips or fingertips as of late.  .........  i honestly feel like i'm leaving everything behind so selfishly.  and then i start thinking, "you're not that special dude, life'll go on for everyone without you".  and i know it will but i'd like to think that i had a bigger impact on people than just being there.  i'm just being shitty...  i'll be fine.  i'm just gonna miss you people so much...