I wanted to sit here and just type.  About myself, about my family and friends, about my health, about me.  And what a problem I fell I am.  It's all just self image issues I've always had.  I feel like that no matter what people say, I'm more of a burden and an annoyance to the people around me than the opposite.  Funny side note, I haven't typed this much at once in a long time and I'm backspacing a lot.  The cancer probably started as early as 2014 but the way I described it to everyone made it seem like I haven't been dealing with it as long.  I just never cared.  Whatever was wrong would kill me eventually.  And though I have no strong will to die or anything, I just wish sometimes my existence would end.  I'm so tired of being tired.  People say that I just have to keep doing things and my energy will come back, up your meds and you'll feel better, etc...  I don't even have the energy to start building energy.  Everything I do feels like it takes all the effort I have.  Sometimes people are sympathetic and understanding but when I gets in the way of what they want suddenly I'm made to feel like I'm not doing enough or trying hard enough or just plain worthless.  Over time this feeling starts to wear on your initiative and gumption.  You just start feeling like "what's the point?" and then the slope gets even steeper.  I don't know what I'm trying to accomplish here.  I just need to look at my thoughts in front of me.  I have a lot to be thankful for.  And I am every day, really.

...

my breath is chilled,
i lay wrapped in my thoughts of this,
they're scattered but there,
like a cold i haven't yet caught.
i wish i knew your name,
i wish you knew mine,
i wish you could hear my voice,
but i'm mute when i speak only to you.
dreams, nightmares, more wishes,
things i can't escape,
yet i can't hold onto long enough,
long enough to create a memory.
can you hear me?
will you hear me?
i'm told i'm not alone,
but they don't know.
what's more tangible than sadness?
it permeates the air, the atmosphere,
unavoidable, always present,
never relenting, never dissipating...

man...

it's been a while since i've blogged... i've been busy and feeling uninspired... but within the last week or so i've started feeling really weird. can't explain it, go figure. trying to find new work, trying to actually make some money, trying to get this band going so we can finally play a damn show... and plus, i met a girl that i kinda like so yeah, there's another thing... hahaha... i don't even really know what the point of this blog is, honestly. i really don't have anything to say. or rather i kinda don't wanna say anything... eh... fuck it. i'll see you all in another 2 months.

-justin

i'm sick of it

i'm so sick of being nice open and honest to people and getting no response to it. it makes me feel like all the correct upbringing and gritting my teeth when people are shitty and i'm still nice all for naught. it fucking pisses me off to no end and the only people that suffer for it are the people that actually listen to me and deal with my endless bitching and bad moods. i know, you're thinking well just shut up then and don't put them through it. well, this is my only other place of venting so here it is, fuckers. i'm sick of this world, and i'm sick of all the stupid shitty people in it. why the fuck am i such a nice person when i get shit upon at every turn???????? ugh... i'm just so frustrated with everything today. everything today has turned to shit when i touch it and i just want to goto sleep and wake up again tomorrow with a fresh start...

those of you who know me know i don't believe in anything that can't be controlled by anything but your own hand and mind. but please, pray, hope, cross your fingers, do whatever it is you do and hope for a change for me because i would rather die than go home and i don't wanna die just yet.

don't get freaked out, i'm just really frustrated and upset at this moment so i'm rambling...

when life begins

it begins when you really realize that you're really on your own. and i've felt like i was on my own before. but not like this. not even close. things are real now, more-so than ever before. and that all sounds skeptical and somewhat negative but i promise you i've never been happier and never had such a positive outlook on my future.

i'm living in paradise. there's a beach less than two blocks away from my apartment, there's palm trees everywhere i look, everyone i've seen (not met, even just seen) is very friendly, it hasn't dropped below 68 degrees and i have the chance to make money doing nothing but playing music. wow... i mean, i've been waiting for a chance to leave mi/oh for i don't know how long, and i end up in florida? hell yeah. ok, g'night :)

-justin

i figured out that:

the worst feeling in the world is watching someone you love be happy, but they're not happy with you, despite all the odds... ok, back to being sick.

i knew this would happen

yeah, i kinda had a feeling this would happen...  i'm scared about leaving, but it's not overwhelming me or anything, it's just making me feel skeptical and worried.  it's natural, so i'm not bothered by it.  i just know that within the next couple days i'm gonna have that moment where i'm gonna say "what the fuck am i doing???  do i really want to do this???  what the hell, this is crazy!!!".  and like i did before, i'll get over it.  last time i had a girl and it made leaving SO so so hard...  (and funny enough, she's making it kinda hard for me again).  but things are different this time.  as i've said before, i want nothing else at this point but to just start my life over.  fresh start.  if you want to start it with me, then tell me.  you won't read this, but i'm telling you right now, if you want to start over with me, tell me.  it can happen if you want.  i'd try to make it happen, i promise.

anyways...  man...  i'm gonna miss so much of you...  all of you.  i could leave that statement as is and everyone would know exactly who i was talking about and what it would mean to each person.  the inflections would ring true in there ears and their hearts would swell at the thought of just how much i mean it when i say it.  because nothing more true has left my lips or fingertips as of late.  .........  i honestly feel like i'm leaving everything behind so selfishly.  and then i start thinking, "you're not that special dude, life'll go on for everyone without you".  and i know it will but i'd like to think that i had a bigger impact on people than just being there.  i'm just being shitty...  i'll be fine.  i'm just gonna miss you people so much...

happy days

i just woke up and it's close to 2 p.m.  i'd be getting off work around now usually.  so i'm really HAPPY right now  :D  stayed up until almost 7 a.m. playing my xbox.  that was ridiculous but fun.  and today i'm gonna run around with my momsies and do some after xmas shopping that needs to get handled.  less than two weeks.  and i'm gone  :D

ugh... dude!!

i wanna scream!!!!!  scream like a fucking mad man, and punch things and kick them and just totally destroy everything beautiful around me because at this moment, i feel like nothing around me deserves to be beautiful, or special or sacred or innocent or anything.  i hate these holidays, i hate being so scared about moving, i hate how i feel about......   her, and i hate how everyone around me just wont leave me alone when i'm upset.  WHY THE FUCK HAVE YOU NOT FIGURED THIS OUT BY NOW?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?  FUCK OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it's not easy being this bitter, i promise

i really hate seeing some people happy when i'm so sad.  and i don't wish ill upon them or anything, i'm just sick of seeing them so happy with what's going on and i'm sitting here feeling lonely, sad and kinda depressed about my plight.  like the title says, it's not this easy being bitter... lol  when they say life isn't fair, they're not joking.  that's all

you should really watch this

this confirms it for me, like i've been saying for years...  enjoy the rest of your existence you maggots

the best and sometimes worst thing about living

we've all had a crush on someone at some point.  

we've all seen a boy or a girl that as soon as you see them for the first time you're just shocked.  frozen, can't move, can't even think any other thought than that one single first thought:  i really wanna kiss and hold that person eventually.  

at least that's the intense kinda crush.  

there's the kind were you see them and think they're one of the most beautiful people you've ever seen and you get to know them and they're one of the best people you've ever met and you want to spend every spare second you have learning more and more about them.  and then you eventually get to spend a little time here and there.  and it just gets worse and worse as time goes on...  the more you come to know this person the more you want more, and you haven't even kissed them yet.  

but lets say there's no way anything can happen.  for any reason, pick any one of them you can think of.  anyways, knowing this you continue on, learning more, liking more, wanting more...  

ever have it were the person has a smile so unbelievable and perfect that when you hear someone else making them laugh it makes you stupid jealous because you want to be the one making them laugh so you can see them laugh and smile?  

oh, and it really helps when they have a laugh that makes you never want to stop being funny, i promise.  

it's truly horrible when you have choices in life that have great benefits, however much a gamble the outcome could be, but you can only choose one.  with a consequence following making the said choice, of course.  i've made my choice already, and it truthfully kind of hurts in a way.  not like a dying pain, more just like a kind of disappointment.  i guess, i don't know how to explain it.  it's never easy to.  

and some might say that i'm kinda acting crazy and weird.  they're probably right, but i'll say this:  

it's not easy when you've stayed single on purpose for a long time and you meet someone who makes you possibly not want to be single anymore right before you're moving 20 hours away.  

when things become official, that's when it gets scary

so things are official and confirmed.  january 7th, me and alan "igor" etoll leave for fort lauderdale florida...  it's unbelievably real now.  and it's starting to make me feel the way i was afraid i'd feel eventually.  sad...  sad yet still excited and so more than ready.  like i've said before so many times, i've been waiting for this opportunity to come along and now that it's finally here, i'm taking it will both hands and i'm swinging around and smiling, overjoyed at the reality of it all.  

but then again...  there's the fact that there are so many people that i'm going to miss.  i keep going over in my head what my last night here will be like...  i've been here before, and while it's like a scene out of a good movie (i like things like that for some stupid reason...) it's so heartbreaking already that i'm not going to see these people for a very long time.  and even some people, who knows if i'll ever see them again?  acquaintances, recent friendships and relationship i've made, old bandmates, and of course, my family.  as ready as i am to move away from my mother, father, brother, and my dear sister, i'm going to miss them so much...  all of them have been there for me these last 4 years more than anyone has and in more ways than i realized at the time.  i could not have asked for better people to be this close to me and be my family...

ah....  well i think i've been an emotional bitch enough for this week.  later, ya'll.

i'm wishing... i'm wondering... i'm poetry

i'm sitting wishing to be inspired...  wishing i could be creative with something at the moment.  maybe it's the feeling of being cooped up in my house against my will but who knows.  alls i knows is that i want to do something with myself at this very moment and nothing seems stimulating enough at the moment.  listening to all this great music and looking at some great art and nothing is making me feel like i could really do something artist and inspired...  :-P  ugh ugh ugh...  no car is a horrible way to live for sure...  i wanna play a metal show.........  i wanna get up onstage and totally rage out on the guitar while watching the kids beat the ever-loving piss outta each other.  just sounds like more fun than i could imagine right now.  maybe the old heavy after trust tunes for 45 min.  that would be exhilarating right now...  do a few guitar spins, a couple rock kicks and scream in peoples faces...  fun times...  ugh, i need something right at this moment!!!!  blah blah blah blah!!...!!!.......!!!!!.....!  ok, i'm done bitching.  oh, and btw, crushes are bullshit when it's a means to an end...

-justin

ah........ yes..... day's off

so i spent my day doing....  nothing...  :)  i spent my entire day off laying around and doing nothing constructive whatsoever.  it was absolutely amazing...  i feel so relaxed, rejuvenated, and happy.  tomorrow is another day off to enjoy which is even better.  i just wanted to share that with everyone and brag a bit about it...  i did do SOMETHING today.  i photoshopped the shit out of an old picture.  but it looks awesome.  that's it, if you didn't figure it out.  anyways, i'm out.  gotta go get paid!!!

-justin

alright, that's it!!!

ok, so i got this damn blog thing to be able to sit here and type out whatever was on my mind or whatever was bothering me.  i've been listening to cauterize's first cd all day and it's making me miss better times...  better in that it was all new yet familiar to me when it was happening.  new and old friends, new love, new heartbreak, growing up way quicker than i ever imagined, making the best and worst decisions of my life...  ugh... i dunno, dude.  everything that's been happening lately feels like that again, and it's scary to me a bit.  moving to florida, changing my entire life around, feeling like there should be something pulling me back and keeping me here but there isn't anything so now i feel like i have no choice but to move.  i want to go, ultimately i want to go and start living a new life really bad.  but the stupid part of me kinda half assed wishes something would happen to keep me here because i'm so comfortable and know everything around me...  ugh... :P  fuck life...  fuck making decisions and living day to day...  i feel like i never do anything i want, ever.  never have time to do the fun things i always wanna do.  that's what florida is for really, but still.  if it could happen here, why wouldn't it???

oh, and get this shit.  so i moved to st. paul MN last year and i was dating a girl when i left and i came back because of her...  blah blah blah, you know how the story goes if you know me personally...  same girl is begging me to stay here, even though i never see her, barely talk to her...  any normal person would say "forget it then" but she's the only person that's really said to me "don't go, i'll miss you too much".  everyone else around me has basically said "see ya, keep in touch" and that's about it.  it's really starting to get to me, really starting to hurt.  it seems as if everyone around me is just waiting for me to leave their lives y'know?  and that's kind of a horrible feeling.  i'm sure it's not true, but that's the only vibe i'm getting so it's really the only thing i can think.  oh, and on top of all that, less than two months before i'm supposed to leave, i develop a crush on someone...  lol  now THAT'S hilarious.  

when i move down to florida, it turns out that i'm going to have to be sharing a room with my dude when i'm there.  now, i have no negative feelings towards anyone that i'm gonna be living with, but i'm 25 fucking years old, i don't want to fucking share a fucking room with another fucking dude.  that's fucking bullshit.  i'm gonna be paying 250 in rent alone to have 0 privacy at all times.  fucking awesome.  it's making me hate the idea of moving now, to be honest.  god, i don't know....  i really don't know....  i'm sick of the answers never being easy enough, ever.  it's not like it happens every once in a great while but this shit has been happening to me since 2003 and it's REALLY fucking time to have something change or i'm giving up.  on life, on everyone around me, on love, on music, on EVERYTHING...  

ugh...  technology will finally hit it's pinnacle when everyone i want to read this blog, can just be standing in front of me whenever i want them to and i can just scream all this at them to my hearts desire.  fuck...  someone save me.

-justin

rum and diet

so i went out to a bar last night...  two bars, actually.  and i drank rum and diet coke...  today my stomach feels like fucking d-day.  it was too much fun though.  this girl i think is really cute and i kinda like asked me to come out so i did  lol  saw brandon and katie though!!  that was awesomeness :)  and i also saw (and i am not exaggerating) over 15 people i went to high school with.  like way worse than usual.  and i came to find out that a couple people i went to school with are very very VERY sweet and kind and i'm seriously hoping i get the chance to go out and hang with them again.  this is gonna be a short-ass blog today i think...  there's not much else here i wanna type.  although i will say that i'm totally jonesing to play some guitar today.  like actually sit and write something if i can.  and maybe sing...  oh boy...  later, loves!!!

-justin

are you kidding me???

so crazy ass story time!!!  i'm at work today (shittiest day ever, by the effing way)  and my dad comes in to switch cars with me.  proceeds to tell me that our house was broken into.  yeah, i'll give you a sec...

ok, so here's the scoop, dear readers:

my sister wakes up to our dog basically screaming as well as a dog could.  she opens her door up and sees a man standing there looking into our bathroom.  she screams "what the fuck are you doing in our house?!?!?", scares the shit outta him, he runs, she chases (I KNOW RIGHT???) him out of the backdoor with the dog chasing them both.  he accidentally knocks the gate open when he hurdles it so my sis stops to keep the dog from running out too.  whew...

so the cops were called, everyone is fine, nothing was stolen.  nothing was even broken.  thank god...

i was so emotional at work earlier after my dad told me all this...  seriously, i almost cried.  mostly because i was so relieved that my sister and mother (who were both sleeping at the time whilst my dad and i were at work, mind you) were ok and unharmed and that my dog was still alive.  cause i guess there's been alot of break-ins in this area and they've been shooting the homeowners dogs' whenever they break in.  fuck that, i'd hunt them down and tear their fucking eyes out if they killed my dog...  so anyways, now we have all new locks on the doors and a really cool new motion sensor light for our backporch.  

i still can't believe this happened though...  in BEDFORD????  really???  anywho, i'm gonna bounce out now.  later!!

Monday monday...

ah......  finally home from work...  7a.m.-3p.m....  big fun.  i'm sitting here listening to our song "windows i'll never see through" and i gotta say this song still gives me the chills...  the lyrics, chord progressions, vocal melodies, it's all bangin'...  anyways...  so there's been an influx of "interested" women it seems lately.  at least, going from zero to something is always an influx so yeah.  it's just kinda weird to me that it happens right before i'm moving, y'know?  and bullshit too  lol  

dude, i busted my ass at work today...  didn't sit down once and got everything possible done.  needless to say, my boss is happy with me again  :)  currently listening to sky eats airplane, btw.  i sent my dad a song through the email last night.  haven't heard back from him yet about it and i'm really curious to know what he thinks even though i'll tell everyone all day that i don't care.  i mean, i really don't, but if he likes it i wanna know of course.  if he doesn't, fuck him  lol

my dude travis at work is a trip, man...  this kid gets so high so easily and just says and does the goofiest shit all day.  i love it.  i can't wait to leave that damn place though...  'cause that means i'll be in florida once i do.  and d's leaving in five days, which is gonna be weird as hell...  ok, that's enough for now.  piece

First one in a million

so here it is, my first blog on blogspot.  it was bound to happen i guess.  i like sitting here and typing and putting random thoughts down in front of me.  sometimes i think i have too much shit going on in my head and i don't actually get to sit and write in my notebooks and shit like i used to.  so i figure why not just join up on this thing and it could be almost as good.  plus, if anyone reads this crap then they might understand me a bit better and maybe figure out why i say/do half the weird/stupid shit i do.  like using two sets of "/" words in one sentence.  who does that???  this guyyyyyyyyyyyyy......  *points thumbs backwards*

ok, anywhoha...

what to say what to say...  i'm really surprised at how warm my slippers are keeping my feet warm today.  too bad the rest of my body is about as cold as an icelander's nosetip.  if you understand the vernacular...  man i can't wait to move to florida and just start living a different life.  i'm gonna kinda reinvent myself when i'm there.  i need to get healthy and start lifting again.  it's pathetic how i've REALLY REALLY let myself go.  pathetic...  and i need to get a tattoo soon.  got a bunch of great ideas but no money to make it happen.  that's booty.  yeah...  oh yeah, the new sleep sound cd is "out" technically.  it's a total dance-fest and it rocks mine and a few other peoples socks right the eff off, i'll tell ya.  ok, that's enough complete shit from me for now.  not bad for a first time "blogger".  i feel so gay now...  hahaha  not really

-justin